RE: Survival Test
by TornChick
Summary: The S.T.A.R.S members are going on a survival test for 24 hours, how will they survive without McDonalds? Read and find out!


One day in RPD's lecture hall, some S.T.A.R.S members- Chris Redfield, Jill Valentine, Rebecca Chambers, Barry Burton, Brad Vickers, Joseph Frost and Forest Speyer have gathered waiting for someone to tell them why they are spending their valuable time in there. Wesker appears.

Everyone: ......

Wesker: Welcome everybody, tomorrow we're going to do something special.

Chris: Oh no, not cleaning the toilets again "groans"

Wesker: Shut up!.....We're going on a survival test for one day.

Everyone: 0.0

Rebecca: Are we gonna sleep on the...ground?

Joseph: "sad voice" No McDonalds....

Wesker: "with a happy smile" That's right. Isn't that gonna be fun!?

Everyone: "groans"

Wesker: I don't care if you like it or not. I want you to pack for tomorrow. We're leaving early.

- Next morning -

Everyone has lined up by the bus. Suddenly Wesker appears from out of nowhere.He's holding a paper in his right hand and a bag in his left.

Wesker: Please be quiet. I want to make sure everyone is here. Hmm..."takes a look at the paper" Chris Redfield?

Chris: "looks up into the sky and are humming on his favourite song".

Wesker: Chris?

Chris: Huh? What?

Wesker: "sighs" Jill Valentine?

Jill: I'm here.

Wesker: Rebecca Chambers?

Rebecca: I'm here too! (the only one's excited).

Wesker: Brad Vickers?

Brad: Yepp.

Wesker: Barry Burton?

Barry: I am here.

Wesker: Joseph Frost?

Joseph: "filming with his camera" There's our leader, captain Wesker.

Wesker: "looks pissed off"

Joseph: He's just sulky cause he hasn't got his coffee yet.

Wesker: Is Forest Speyer here?

Forest: "is already eating his packed lunch" I am!

Wesker: Good. Everybody, take a seat in the bus.

"Everyone tries to get into the bus at the same time"

Wesker: Don't panic! "gets a shoe in his face"

- Fifteen minutes later in the bus-

Wesker: Listen everyone! Miss Chambers has something to tell us.

Rebecca: "stands up" Erhm...I'm now going to read for you, about first aid. If something would happen tomorrow you will all know what to do.

Everyone: .......

Rebecca: suffocated by food: Try to remove the object that is blocking the victim's bronchus through a hard punch in his/her stomach. Remember to duck before the object comes flying into your eye.

Everyone: 0.0

Rebecca: concussion: Ask him/her what day it is and how many fingers you are holding up. Hold your fingers behind your back to not make it too easy.

Rebecca: Objects stuck in the eye: Rinse the victim's eyes with water. Do not use soap. And then, if someone gets burned: Hold the wounded part of the body in running water. If the victim's whole body is on fire, it may be a little too late for that.

Everyone: "frightened"

Wesker: Thank you Rebecca. I hope you'll all remember this.

Chris: "to Wesker" Are we there yet?

Wesker: No.

Chris: Are we there yet?

Wesker: NO!

Chris: Oh....

Barry: Are we there yet?

Wesker: Shut the f%ck up!!!

Joseph: "filming" We're finally on our way to a secret destination. Forest, would you like to say something? "is filming Forest's ear"

Forest: "mouth full of candy" mgmf!

Joseph: Thank you Forest.

Wesker: "writing his dairy"

Dear dairy

Today we are going to the camp place. Everything is the same as usual. The bus driver told me it would probably turn out to be a lovely day. I think that bastard is lying. F%ck him. F%ck this bus. F%ck everything!

Jill: I wonder what we are going to do.

Brad: Maybe we can go fishing.

Jill: Or feed the ducks.

Brad: I'm afraid of ducks.

Jill: Brad, you're afraid of everything.

Chris: Want to say hello to Albert?

Barry: Who?

Chris: My fly. I named him after Wesker. I think they kind of look alike.

Barry: "stares at the dead fly and then at Wesker" I think you're right.

- Many hours later-

The bus stops by a lake and everyone runs out of it because Barry farted.

Wesker: Well, we're finally here.

Everyone: "looks bored"

Wesker: Let's pitch camp!

Everyone: "groans"

- After finishing the tents-

Wesker: Ok everyone. Here's what we're gonna do tomorrow. We'll need something to eat. So...I want two of you to go fishing.

Jill: Oh! Me and Brad!

Wesker: Okay Jill. You can do that.

Brad: But I'm afraid of fishes.

Jill: Shut up Brad!

Wesker: Rebecca and I will go and pick berries.

Rebecca: Okay captain Wesker! This is going to be so much fun!

Everyone: "stares at Rebecca"

Wesker: I need two of you to cook.

Forest: We want to cook!

Joseph: We do?

Wesker: Good. That leaves Chris and Barry to clean the outhouse.

ChrisandBarry: WHAT?!

Wesker: "ignores them" It's late, we should all go to sleep.

Chris: But...

Wesker: I'm the captain! Now do as I say!

Everyone: 0.0

- Later in Jill and Rebecca's tent-

Jill: Now take this candle.

Rebecca: Jill, are you sure we're allowed to do this kind of rituals?

Jill: "waves around an incense- stick with her hand" Who cares.

Rebecca: Whatever.

- In Joseph and Forest's tent-

They are playing cards.

Forest: I'm gonna show you a trick.

Joseph: Okay.

Forest: Look at this card I'm holding.

Joseph: "looks at the card in Forest's hand"

Forest: LOOK! THERE'S A SPIDER BEHIND YOU!!

Joseph: "turns around" WHERE?!

Forest: "eats the card"

Joseph: "turns back" Hey, where's the card?

Forest: It's gone.

Joseph: Wow. How did you do that?

- In Chris and Barry's tent-

Chris: I can't believe we are going to clean the outhouse.

Barry: Not me either.

Chris: Life sucks.

- In Wesker and Brad's tent-

Brad: "stares at a spider on the wall. A look of horror upon his face"

Wesker: "writes his dairy"

Dear dairy

Tomorrow we are going to learn how to survive. I'm really pissed off at Brad. I think I'm gonna hit him with a stick or something. That would make me feel a lot better. Thank you dairy. It's nice to have someone to talk to, especially when you're surrounded by morons. Goodnight.

Brad: You are not going to put the light out, are you?

Wesker: Yes I am "puts the light out"

Brad: But I'm scared.

Wesker: You're always scared.

Brad: "breathes heavily"

Wesker: Shut up!

- Next day-

Wesker: Today is the day. "picks up a couple of fishing rods and hands them over to Jill and Brad" We are going to learn to survive without....without....

Joseph: McDonalds?

Wesker: Well.....yes, sort of. "Gives cleaning equipment to Chris and Barry"

Barry: "sighs"

Wesker: Joseph and Forest. There's a cabin on the other side of the lake. "points at a shed" You can stay there until Jill and Brad arrives with the fishes.

Brad: What if we don't get any fishes?

Jill: You're thinking too much Brad.

Wesker: Ok Everyone. You know what to do. Rebecca, follow me.

Rebecca: Sure captain Wesker!

Jill: "runs over to the lake"

- By the outhouse-

Chris: "wears a pink apron"

Barry: "stares at Chris"

Chris: Just put that thing on Barry!

Barry: I'm not wearing an orange apron! "picks up a toilet brush"

- A distance away-

Joseph: We better start swimming.

Forest: What do you mean?

Joseph: We have to get to that cabin before the others come back.

Forest: We could just walk over there, you know.

Joseph: Oh! I get it!......No I don't. Ooh I get it!

-Other side of the forest-

Rebecca: There seems to be a lot of trees in this forest captain Wesker. Maybe we should have brought a map.

Wesker: That's not necessary.

Rebecca: Right....you're probably right. I mean after all, you are the captain.

Wesker: Of course I'm right. Now please shut up, it would facilitate.

Rebecca: Why?

Wesker: "thinking"....the ground hogs might hear us.

- Back to the lake-

Brad: Here fishy fishy.

Jill: I don't think that's gonna help.

Brad: Maybe if we throw some cookies to them.

- In the outhouse-

Chris: It smells terrible!

Barry: I know. Open the toilet lid.

Chris: Why me?

Barry: Because I opened the door to this house.

Chris: "pathetic voice" Why are you doing this to me Barry?

- Somewhere in the forest-

Joseph: I think we are lost.

Forest: I told you we should have followed the lake. But Noooo!

Joseph: "ignores him" Let's go this way.

Forest: Are you sure? We've been lost for half an hour now.

Joseph: Trust me. This way is gonna lead us to the cabin.

Forest: I don' trust you.

-Two hours later-

Forest: Shouldn't we be there yet?

Joseph: "stops" I think we might have got lost.

Forest: That's not possible, we are already lost!

Joseph: Wait! Isn't that the house? "picks up his camera and starts filming"

Forest: How many can there be out here? "rolls eyes"

Joseph: "to the camera" We don't know where the others are, they're probably dead. "giggles"

- In the other end of the forest-

Rebecca: It's getting dark...

Wesker: "throws himself to the ground" Look what I found!

Rebecca: A blueberry...

Wesker: There must be more of them. "crawls around on the ground" Help me look!

Rebecca: Okay.... "crawls around"

- By the lake-

Jill: "yawns"

Brad: "falls asleep and falls into the lake"

Jill: Brad, stop it! You're scaring all the fishes away!

Brad: "tries to climb up onto bridge" sorry.

Jill: I'm sure everybody else will be back soon and we haven't got anything at all. Maybe Wesker and Rebecca found something.

- Back to the outhouse-

Barry: On the count of three...One...two...three!

Chris: "opens the toilet lid" It stinks! "faints"

Barry: "Looks inside the toilet and faints too"

- In the Forest-

Rebecca: I can't find any berries, can you...

Wesker: AHHHHHHHHH! Run for your life! "runs away"

Rebecca: Wait for me! "runs after him"

WeskerandRebecca: "runs screaming through the forest, hands up in the air, jumps over a brook, down a hill, jumps over a ground hog, and out of the forest."

Rebecca: "pants" What did we run from?

Wesker: A spider! F%cking spider!

Rebecca: 0.0

Wesker: Don't look at me like that!.....We should go back to the camp. Jill and Brad probably caught some fishes.

- In the cabin-

Joseph: "are sitting in a corner of the room, filming everything in it."

Forest: Maybe we are in the wrong cabin.

Joseph: How many cabins can there possibly be out here?!

Forest: "with an anxious voice" Just a thought I had. I mean, there's only this room and no kitchen.

Joseph: "whispers" Forest. I think that moose head on the wall is staring at me.

- By the camp-

Jill and Brad walks back to the camp.

Jill: Well, we'll just sit here and wait for the others...

Brad: I guess so...What's that smell?

Jill: "sniffing in the air" Think it comes from the outhouse.

Brad: Wasn't Barry and Chris supposed to clean it?

Jill: They were. Let's go and check it out.

Brad: "opens the door to the outhouse" What have happened to them?

Jill: "Looks at Barry and Chris on the floor" I don't know. Maybe we should get them out of here. "grabs Chris' legs and starts to pull him out"

Brad: "grabs Barry's legs"

Wesker and Rebecca arrives to the camp

Wesker: "Watches Jill, Chris, Brad and Barry" What the h%ll are you doing?

Jill: Erhm...We didn't get any fishes so we decided to go back here and we found Chris and Barry unconscious in the outhouse.

WeskerandRebecca: 0.0

Wesker: You didn't get any fishes at all?

Brad: No.

Rebecca: Not one?

Brad: NO.

Jill: By the way. Where's Joseph and Forest?

Wesker: Oh, I forgot about them. Well, they're in the cabin over there, probably.

Jill: Oh.

Rebecca: But, what are we going to eat?

Wesker: Do not fear! I brought marshmallows!

Everyone: Yay!

- Half an hour later-

Everyone has gathered around the fire and are roasting marshmallows.

Jill: I'm glad you brought marshmallows Wesker.

Wesker: Well, Whatever...

Rebecca: I wonder if Joseph and Forest are coming soon.

Wesker: Who cares, more marshmallows for us.

Rebecca: You're right captain Wesker.

Wesker: I'm always right.

- In the cabin-

Both Joseph and Forest are staring at the dead animals on the walls.

Forest: I think that raven moved its head.

Joseph: "terrified" No, it didn't!

Forest: It did.

Joseph: "more terrified" NO! IT DID NOT!

Forest: "gets attacked by ravens"

Joseph: "filming" This can be good!

- Back to the camp-

Chris and Barry wakes up.

Chris: What happened?

Barry: I had such a weird dream. I dreamt we were at your house and it smelled terrible.

Chris: That's bad.

Brad: "whispers to Jill" Should we tell them?

Jill: No.

Rebecca: They probably want marshmallows.

Wesker: Damn!

- Half an hour later in the cabin-

Forest: "is killed by ravens"

Joseph: "is eaten by zombie dogs"

- Back to the camp-

Everyone has gone to sleep.

Wesker: "writing his dairy"

Dear Dairy

This day has been terrible. First I had to listen to Rebecca's babble, and then I met the monster from my worst nightmares. The only thing we could eat was burned marshmallows. Brad is still snoring. I'm glad the bus is coming tomorrow. Goodnight dairy.

- Next day-

Everyone is sitting in a ring on the ground waiting for the bus.

Wesker: What have we learned from yesterday?

Everyone: "thinking"

Barry: To always bring food just in case. I'm still hungry.

Wesker: Don't look at me like that! If you knew this would happen, why didn't you bring a sandwich?!

Barry: "looks hurt"

Wesker: What more did we learn?

Jill: Not to let Joseph and Forest out of sight. By the way, where are they?

Wesker: They're fine! "with emphasis"

Rebecca: We should have got a map.

-The bus arrives. Everyone runs for it-

Chris: We're saved!

- On the bus-

Wesker: I bought some juice! "holds up a bag"

Everyone: "runs over Wesker and grabs a bottle of juice each"

Chris: I got two!

Barry: I think you may have Wesker's too.

Chris: Who cares. I don't think he'll need it now anyway.

ChrisandBarry: "glances over to Wesker on the floor"

Chris: I mean, he looks kind of absent.

Everyone(except Wesker): Sings false.


End file.
